Oceans of Potions

I should have spotted the fine lines when they appeared. Bit by bit, all the skin around my eyes crinkled up, building on each other as though a game of Risk was sprouting on my face. But  I didn't see them.  What I didn't realize, was, along with the trade routes growing across my face, my eyesight was failing. To quote my middle schooler, oh, snap.

As soon as I got a lighted 5x mirror (which I highly recommend doing) I saw the problem..  I had heard about anti-wrinkle products and filling products, thanks to the context based advertising on Facebook that constantly shoved the information at me based on my age tag.  But what really works?

Topical or Injection?

Okay, first of all, I'm not injecting anything into my face.  Especially not if it has a "tox" suffix. Last time I checked, "tox" was a Latin root for "poison."  "Bo" is the first part of "Bovine."  Cow poison. In my face. Don't think so. I read a lot about hyaluronic acid, and collagen injections, too, and though that seemed promising, it's still the combination of needle + face.  I was especially grossed out by the idea of taking fat from my butt and injecting it into my face. Don't middle aged women try to hide our butts? Why would I want to wear mine on my face? Who thinks of these things, Doc Brown from "Back to the Future"?

All right, so it's all about topical lotions and potions. My first lesson:did you know that if you pat your wrinkles around your eyes, the wrinkles disappear for exactly the length of time it takes for the girls in the mall kiosks to sell you the product they just patted on you?  Amazing how that works.  It was a harsh reminder that there are still snake oil salespeople out there, and now, they're preying on us and our wrinkles.

How Things Don't Work

For as long as I can remember, women have been whispering about secret formulas for wrinkle prevention and removal. Older ladies whispered to me about solutions of mashed bananas, and somebody's  mother told me the secret to keeping wrinkles away was the collection and topical application of menstrual blood. (She was in her fifties and didn't have a line on her, but I could never look her in the face again.) Some neighbor ladies made masques out of mud and honey, others put vegetables on their eyes.  Just writing that, I realize it sounds like I grew up on some unexplored Polynesian island instead of a suburb in California. But I swear, it's all true.

"Applying injectables on your face and expecting it to fill wrinkles is about as effective as taping an aspirin to your forehead when you have a headache."

In the world of 21st century cosmetics and skincare, I can tell you  now--not much has changed. Trickery and obfuscation is key--they almost all include ingredients that sound an awful lot like things you've heard really work--like hyaluronic acid, collagen, and retinol.  And you know what? Most of them really do work--if you have them injected. Applying injectables into your face and expecting it to fill wrinkles is about as effective as taping an aspirin to your forehead when you have a headache. "Put the knife under your pillow and it'll cut the pain in two!" Yeah, thanks, Prissy.

But all is not lost. There is something that really works, if you're dedicated, and have more than a bit of spare change for the upkeep. Read about my experiences with retinol in my next post!